should i be happy that i`m not overweight like so many people around me?  or i should i be disappointed with myself that i`m not perfect?

sometimes, i take what i have for granted.  i complain to my friends about how much i weigh and what i`ve done.  regardless of what happens, i still end up being me.  me being that i have a decent body [not fatty] even if i eat three times the amount that they eat.  i know it`s wrong to do so, especially to those who are much less fortunate than me.  however, i WORK for what i have.

also, i strive for perfection.  i want to be the best i can.  obviously, i know this is not the best i can be.  what to do?

so i weigh 105 regardless of what i eat..  hMms..  i wish i weighed 95 lbs though..  i'd look really great and not ugly like now..  =X  i'd like to make my stomach have a line..  that would be the coolest thing everrr!  damn today's the first day of school and it's been really gay..  i know i haven't updated this shit in a long time but oh wells..  that's what my schedule permits..  i haven't seriously tried any diets but i'm considering..  but there's absolutely no way i'm going on the atkins diet..  you can't eat anything with carbs!  no bread, pasta, etc!!  that's impossible for me..  i love all of those foods!  omgs..  i wish i had some subway right now.  =D  i've been trying to eat healthier or at least balance out the unhealthy food that i eat..  i think it's somewhat working..

damn i`m fucken fat.  i wish i was as skinny as those people i see on tv.  i get jealous and wonder why can`t i be naturally skinny as a stick and still manage to eat whatever i want.  i guess i`m just cursed.  i want to be thin!  i want to look good in a swimming suit!  damnit, i want everything the models have!  i`m sick of looking in the mirror and being in disgust!  i see all of this fat.  i feel all of this fat.  maybe i should just stop eating.  yes that`ll work.  or maybe i should become bulimic.  i don`t know!

so today was a crappy day as usual..  -_-  i felt like shit and probably acted nothing better than doo doo.  i did exercises but i feel like doing more later.  i wish i knew more exercises that i could benefit from.  anyways, i`ve been thinking about that guy i used to have feelings for.  i seriously think he hates me.  everything i see his info, it seems to be mean and i think it`s directed toward me.  =X   ahhh maybe i`m paranoid or maybe i`m smarter than i think i am.  either way, cindy wants me to ask him out to the next dance and i`m too chicken.  i know he`ll reject so what`s the point?  nothing, and that`s the exact reason why i won`t have a date to that dance.  -_-;;  now that i think about it, i don`t really want to go to this dance but i have no choice.  being a member of the club promoting the dance, i have to go.  if not, i`ll be looked down upon by fellow classmates and teachers.  besides, i already bought my clothes to wear to it so i might as well go.  damnits i`m so fucken sick of this shit that i put on myself each and every day.  i want to relieve myself of it but i can`t.  it`s just become apart of me now and there`s nothing i can about it.  fuck man.  this is fucken uncool.

i`m so fucken fat.  i wish i was skinny.  i don`t care if i hurt myself.  i just want to look skinny.  i want to fit the clothes i see on models.  i want it to look just as good on me.  i hate looking at other girls and they`re better looking.  i know i`m stupid but this is how i really am.  i wish i weighed 95 pounds.  i`m like 20 pounds away from that dream.  someday i will achieve it.  whether it be by death or starvation, i will get there.  i always hear people, but you`re not fat you`re fine.  maybe to you.  i know i`m not satisfied.  i hate this.  i would be so happy if i was skinnier.  i wouldn`t have all of this lard hanging out.  somebody save me.